Morning Coffee

        Today, I had a great day at work.  I don’t know why it was such a wonderful day, because, honestly, I am completely exhausted.  I work way too hard and don’t get paid nearly enough, but that’s beside the point.  I had an awesome day.  I’m all smiles.  I came home, opened the door to my bathroom (because Curtis had dropped her off before he went to work, and we don’t want her roaming the entire apartment), and I find this…

        Now, surprisingly, I’m not mad that the rug is nearly mutilated.  I couldn’t care less about the stupid rug.  It’s just the fact that she always has to be chewing on something.  Again, I should have gotten mad at this, and this could have ruined my day.  But instead of getting furious, I just threw my head back and laughed at my ridiculous life.  HaHa  It is so completely, and totally, 100% crazy right now.  1) I’m a college drop-out who is working as a waitress and living on her own 2) I’m losing my job 3) I haven’t found a new one to replace it 4) My boss doesn’t do anything anymore and so I end up picking up her slack 5) I have 8 animals that I’m taking care of 6) One of those animals is Satan 7) Another one of those animals is an “anything you could possibly get your mouth on” shredder Five of those animals are baby kittens that need a lot of attention, and 9) I have two litter boxes that need cleaned twice a day or else my apartment smells like a dumpster filled with feces.

        It’s not THAT entirely crazy, I know.  Things could be a lot worse.  My point is, is that sometimes I just get so frustrated trying to keep up with everything, answering the same questions day after day: You guys are leaving?  When’s your last day?  Why are you moving?  Where are you moving to?  Do you have a place yet?  Are you looking for another job?  I have the same conversation with about 15 different people each and every day.  It’s getting annoying, and I just want it to be done and over with.  

I had two iced coffees this morning…maybe that has something to do with why nothing that happened today bothered me as badly as most days…

        I am ashamed to say that this post has been waiting to be written since Tuesday.  Unfortunately, I just haven’t had the ambition to just sit down and write it. 

        Today…that ambition is in me…

        Everywhere I go, I seem to naturally surround myself with people.  Whether they be infants, adults, or the elderly, I never cease to find myself among them.  Previous to working at the restaurant where I am working now, I was employed at a nursing home not too far from where I live.  I think a lot of you may understand why when I say that out of the three groups (infants, adults, and elderly), I’m fairly certain that the elderly are my favorite. 

        So, back to Tuesday…

        Tuesday, the day back from our three day weekend due to Labor Day.  It was a day just like any other except for one tiny difference.  Starting around nine o’clock in the morning, a little old man walked in.  And let me just say, he was the cutest little old man I’ve ever laid my eyes on.  He walked in the doorway and slowly, but surely, lightly shuffled his feet towards the nearest booth he could find, using his wooden cane for a little extra support for his tiny, frail body.  He finally sat down and we got him his order.  Shortly thereafter, another man, slightly younger, but not so much that they’d be a part of separate generations, walks in.  Unlike the first, he was a regular of ours and was in for his morning breakfast as he usually is around this time.  His name?  Leonard.  He has a quiet voice and I practically read his lips to generate most of the words that he’s saying.  He has just a couple different breakfasts that he gets.  So, as soon as he starts muttering part of it, I can usually stop listening, because I know what he wants.  He, also, instead of taking a seat before he orders, he kindly comes to the counter and carries his coffee back to his booth with him.  His usual booth is table 3, but on this particular day, another older gentlman had walked in while Leonard was ordering at the counter and had made himself comfortable at table 3.  I mentioned this problem to Leonard as a joke.  He laughed and whispered that he’d settle for booth 2 instead. 

        Teddy, the third elderly man, was the one who had taken Leonard’s usual spot.  Coincidentally, booth 3 is also Teddy’s usual choice of seating.  He is also in a younger generation compared to Leonard and “Old Man.”  I’d guess he’s probably somewhere around 60 years of age.  Soon after writing Teddy’s order down and handing it to the cook, yet another old man walks in.  By this time, all four booths held just one little old man, who were all facing towards the kitchen and all were sitting on the outside of the booth with their noses in some form of reading material.  They were the only four customers who occupied the restaurant and it stayed that way until, one by one, they each came up to the register to pay for their meals.  Leonard, however, always pays before he eats and just quietly exits, and Teddy sits his money on the table and we walk the money back and forth from him, to the register, then to him again.  

        I suppose the title of this post has absolutely nothing to do with grumpy old men, just old men.  However, I just figured I’d share my appreciation for our elderly customers and their cups of morning coffee.

…and no one to give them to.

        Granted, my aunt and uncle own our local pet store, and I know I could just drop them off there, but I kind of want to find them homes myself.  I want to know that they’re going to a good home.  

…consist of:

1) Sit

2) Lay down (in progress, but getting there)

3) Go in your kennel

4) Shake   

…and last, but definitely not least…

5) High five

        We sure have one smart dog.  Yup, it’s true.  She’s awesome! =)

…even though exhaustion has seemed to hit its peek…

        With every day that goes by, now, I find myself being less and less motivated to keep on going like I’m going.  For the first time in a long while, I feel like being a waitress is a waste of my intelligence and that I should be doing something more with my life.  It never bothered me before, and at points, I had even convinced myself that I could make a living of it.  I honestly have no clue what I was thinking…or maybe that’s it.  I wasn’t thinking.  For the most part, I’ve always seemed to take life too seriously, and have expected more of myself just because I didn’t want to let other people down.  

        Where has the past year and a half gone?  It’s been a year and a half since I’ve stepped foot inside of a classroom.  It’s been a year and a half since I’ve studied, taken notes, done calculus-level math, solved an equation, sat in the grass on a sunny day in between classes, ate at DeSantos for lunch with Danielle, hung out in the dorms/apartments, stayed up ’til 4 in the morning on a school night (every night), or scribbled down my homework quick while sitting and waiting for the professor to show for class that day.  

        My point is, I need to make my life worth something again.  I want to WANT to get up in the morning because I’m excited to go to work.  I don’t want to dread going to work anymore.  With every passing day, drama and gossip build up more and more to a point where looking down off of all of that, you would think it would take years to fall.  I know so many things about so many people in our community that, most of the time, I wish I didn’t know.  From affairs to drug deals, from mishandling money to who has STD’s, you name it, and I probably know someone who’s done it or has it.  I’m tired of it all.  I need a change and I need one soon.  

        My patience with the customers has pretty much his its all-time low.  I keep to myself nearly every morning these days.  My boss/cousin keeps finding more and more ways to get on my nerves even worse than she did the day before.   It’s sad, though, that I all I keep thinking about is how many days I have until Mel has to close the store so that she can move all of her crap out in time.  Hopefully, that day is as schedule: September 30.  My coworker and I are saying our employer will wait only but a few days before that deadline to actually close the restaurant.  Hah!  Please kill me now (lol…sarcasm, of course).

…on a lighter note, I did not have my morning coffee this morning, and surprisingly enough, I didn’t get a headache.    Hah!  How sad…

        So, just recently, my employer received notice from her landlord that she was to make her restaurant pretty much non-existent in his building.  Oh, and he gave her 60 days to do it.  He, and the two other owners of the building, want to make it a sports bar and restaurant, instead.  There is absolutely no possible way that we can buy a new building, rebuild, and move in within that time.  Consequently, I’m applying for new jobs left and right.  I’m staying pretty hopeful.  I’ve never actually had a real interview before, but I don’t think I’m gonna get worked up about that.  I’m a reasonably personable individual and have improved my people skills over the past year from working in a restaurant as a waitress.  So, as for the interview, I’m not worried.  Overall, I’m surprisingly pretty excited to be possibly getting a new job.  I need a change, and I haven’t been happy for a while where I’m at.  

        Don’t get me wrong.  I love my job and what I do with every fiber of my being, but I get bored easily (and this is perhaps one of my biggest downfalls in life).  I’m getting tired of female drama, and all the gossip that comes with it.  I’m exhausted from working my butt off everyday, because we’ve been short employees since February, and my boss really has no intention of hiring anytime soon.  Oh wait, she just hired this older lady so she can teach her how to cook.  So, instead of relieving the waitresses, who seemingly work harder than the boss does, don’t get any relief.   I feel that looking for a new job is wrong of me to do, though.  See, my boss is also my cousin.  This “working for family” issue makes me feel obligated to not let her down by leaving her without help.  I suppose I just need to suck it up and get the guts to confront her and tell her that I’m not happy working there anymore and that I just need a change.  

        We were talking, somewhat, about it the other day, and she swears that she understands if I’m not happy anymore and need something new.  But, unfortunately, something tells me that she’s may take that back as soon as she realizes that this is exactly the reason I need to leave.  Also, she is a very confrontational person.  She’s definitely not afraid to speak what she thinks and not even blink an eye about some of the words that may come out.  This is why I may a little hesitant to approach her about the issue.  But, I know, I know, it has to be done.  It’s wrong of me to hold off on telling her, which will most likely just make things worse.  

…let’s just hope that tomorrow’s morning coffee will shine a new light on some things…

        Just a few days ago, my mother handed me this book called, “Next Time I Fall In Love.”  It’s a book aimed toward helping people of all ages in understanding what a “true love” relationship should be about and how to deal with the common problems most couples run into.  So, I started reading it, and it’s actually pretty good.  My mother said to me, “As you read it, you’ll see yourself in it, you’ll see Curtis, and sometimes you won’t see either of you, but it’s a great book for both of you to read in order to help sort out certain issues you two may be having.”  So far (and this makes me sad), I’ve seen that it’s mostly myself that may actually be the problem in the relationship.  Although there are things that BOTH of us need to work on, I honestly think that I may be the main reason why certain issues come up.  I’m not even that far into the book and I already think that it would be an excellent read for any couple of any age, married, or just dating.

…a good read to have with your morning coffee.

…I don’t need a morning coffee to realize/know that…

        I’m talkin’ mostly to the girls on this one, and most of whom could probably, most likely, more often than not relate to what I’m about to talk about: mood swings.

        Guys, I sympathize.  I really do.  Girls are up, then they’re down.  They’re happy, angry, sad, frustrated, confused, right, and wrong all at the same time.  I KNOW that it’s not easy to understand us.  Heck, even we (as in we girls) don’t even understand what goes on in our heads.  Funny, we ask that you try to and understand us and understand what we go through, but when asked to try to help them understand, most girls don’t even know how to try and begin to break things down into simpler terms so that maybe we could explain.  It’s not really that simple.  You know by now, guys, that there is ONE certain time of the month, that you should really try and avoid either seeing your girlfriend or making your mother mad.  You’ve learned what kind of an effect a girl’s “cycle” has on her.  Me?  I get angry for dumb things…things that I would normally laugh at.  The funny (or rather, pathetic) thing is, is that I KNOW I’m doing it as I’m doing it.  I know that this is stupid, but it’s almost like I can’t control it.  Last month, I was bawling my eyes out and laughing hysterically at the same time.  It was the oddest feeling, because I was bawling and I didn’t know why…so I thought it was funny.  Next thing I knew, my body kind of just loses it for a short time and tries to go between laughing and then crying would take control in the middle of a good laugh.  It was so odd.  Yet, when I look back on it, all I can do is laugh and shake my head…because, honestly…I don’t even know how it all started.

        Hormones go crazy.  I know girls.  We take things out on everyone, even ourselves.  We beat ourselves up over the small things, blame everyone around us for our miserable state, even compromise relationships.  Sometimes, I really wish that somethings could be done about it…but, honestly, I don’t think any drug a doctor could give you could make such feelings go away.  No wonder men think we’re insane and unstable sometimes.  They will never understand, and quite frankly, neither will we.

…mood swings…no amount of morning coffee could possibly prevent…

…actually started out as an iced Chai and was rather delicious.  Unfortunately, no matter how good that morning coffee may taste, it just cannot prepare you for what lies ahead for you during the rest of the day.  For example, today sucked, and it wasn’t just work that was getting to me.  The reality that is life is slowly creeping up on me, and I regret it now for not handing in applications sooner.  Should I not have cared at all?  Was I right to be concerned more about making sure that my cousin has help for her restaurant rather than searching for a more steady, guaranteed job that would actually be giving me a steady income AND benefits?  I’m so stressed, so deprived of sleep, so ready for…a change.  I need a change, and that’s final.  I keep flip-flopping back and forth.  Do I really want a new job or is it just this particular day that makes me want a new job?  Are my hormones getting the best of me?  Lately, I’ve just had such a hard time really knowing which part of me is the part that is actually me talking, the part that is actually making sense.  I can’t tell the difference anymore, and it’s very frustrating.  It’s frustrating to see the people around me so confused, because I tell them one thing this day and tell them a completely opposite thing the next.  It’s frustrating, because I know I’m doing it and I don’t even know what’s what, what’s right, or what makes the most sense.  Sometimes, I feel as though I’m stuck in the “spin cycle” in the washer.  I get great ideas, and never follow them through.  Then, everyday I step back from it all (and even as I’m reading what I’m typing), I realize how much of my life and what goes on has to do with me.  How many times have I typed the words “me” or  ”I” in this single paragraph already?  25 times…and I believe 4 of them were in the same sentence.  

        Life is just really starting to bog me down again and I’ve tried so hard to avoid it.  I think I have it fixed, and things seem to go pretty well for a while.  After so long, I get bored with my job, annoyed with the people I work with, impatient with the customers that are regulars and just never seem to get any smarter than the last time they were in.  It’s hard to see impoverished people every single passing day that come into the restaurant and spend their precious money that they receive through checks from the government, and still with two and a half weeks to go until the next check and they can’t even afford to buy themselves a cup of coffee.  I just don’t understand why they would blow their money on meals that could buy them a months worth of bread and still have money left over.     

        I’m just so completely exhausted and drained of all energy.  No morning cup of joe could cure this…not now.