God Is Good
This morning, I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking about all of the crummy, terrible, nasty situations that God has allowed me to experience. Not only have I been thinking about the situations, but I have also been pondering the fact that all of those crappy, ugly situations could have been made so much easier to get through, had I truly put my faith in God to get me through them.
At first, the verse, Philippians 4:13, tattooed on the back of my shoulder was soley in remembrance of a great friend who died four years ago. It was the verse she used for her baptismal, and I wanted something that was personal to her to be personal to me. It became personal to me, but not in the way that I thought it was intended. It became more to me than just a memorial tatoo. In fact, that verse, alone, has given me a lot of strength to do so much. It’s written several different ways depending on what version of the Bible that you read. But in the NIV, it reads, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” It never allows me to forget that God would NEVER put me in a situation that I can’t handle. In fact, each and every one of those situations are presented to me so that I will choose to look to Him for help.
It wasn’t until I decided to put my faith and trust in Him, that I started seeing what was wrong in my relationship with Curtis. And because Christ is now part of my life, He has given me the greatest gift yet: A man that I love and who loves me in return and also shares with me a love for Christ.
I wish, now, that I had accepted Christ sooner. I always thought I was a Christian, but it took me a long time to realize that my heart wasn’t really in it. Maybe Erin’s death would have been easier to deal with. Exactly three months to the day after Erin died, a friend of mine that I had grown up with since kindergarten, Katie, died of complications during a brain surgery. Then, just last year, yet another dearly-loved friend of my brother’s and mine, Ryan, was killed in a motorcycle accident. Three deaths, all within three years of two who were no older than 18 and one who was not even 25. I find myself wondering this morning if I would have been more happy for Erin at her death rather than sad, angry, and selfish for wanting to keep her in this world had I known and/or really believed that she was going to a better place? She and Ryan, both, were people who loved to show their love for the Lord, yet I got so angry when Erin died. I felt so selfish for wanting to keep her here. Erin and her best friend, Esther, were driving home from the WalMart near the town they lived in when Erin lost control of the car and were “t-boned” by an oncoming vehicle. Esther was killed instantly, while Erin was able to hang on for just a half hour longer. Her ribs had punctured her lungs and there was nothing the paramedics could do by the time they got there. I was given the privaledge of meeting Esther just months before the accident. The two of them played and sang Christian music on their guitars. Erin learned how to play and then taught Esther how to play herself.
It was a Sunday morning when my parents got a phone call. We were actually supposed to be going to celebrate another friend’s graduation at a party where Erin lived in Belleville, two hours away. Oddly enough, I was having a dream about the accident right as my mom was coming to wake me up to break the news to me. So as soon as I saw my mother crying, I knew what she was going to say. I remember asking her if Esther was in the car with her, and she gave me a look like, “How did you know?” She never asked me how I knew, she just kept crying and told me that she was killed as well. We still celebrated Jackie’s (who was a good friend of Erin’s as well) graduation, even though it was bittersweet, because that’s what Erin would have wanted. Then, we spent the rest of the day at Erin’s parents’ house. For the next year or so, I just wasn’t happy. I got depressed and even tried going to a therapist. I think back, now, and wonder, though, had I been right with God and had faith in Him through everything, would I not have wasted over a year of my life grieving? Then again, God also doesn’t want me wasting my life on imagining the “what if’s.” It was a lesson that was given to me to learn from three different times, with three different people who were important to me in my life. Unfortunately, it took me over three years to realize/learn how I should have reacted in those situations, because someday, I’m going to be the one that’s going to be with my Father and I don’t want anyone down here feeling sorry for me.
Well, this post has certainly turned into a lot more than what I had intended it to be. Regardless, read it, think about it, and take what you want from it.
